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...let me show you...

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I swear there is NOTHING I have experienced that is worse than heartbreak... It's like you're in this horrible bubble of sadness and nothing is penetrating it... No matter what good things happen, you're still wrapped in this all consuming sadness... No matter how many people will pay you attention, show you kindness, like you... it's THAT ONE that matters and no one can replace that ONE no matter what... I can take a LOT. God knows I can... but heartbreak is something that truly breaks me in ways I cannot describe... worst of all I cannot figure out a way out of this bubble... I know time heals, but the prospect of spending time in feeling like this is so horrific...

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Current Mood:
heartbroken
Current Music:
Aha - Forever not yours
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10580104_609834809130807_723730892823639258_nRead about this app Bazaart very cool
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Current Mood:
good good
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As usual, I am behind when it comes to tech stuff, and I kept promising to use Instagram all the time and kept failing at doing so, and finally decided to really get into it. Practicing at the art of The IMG_2015
IMG_2014Selfie....
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Current Mood:
anxious anxious
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My head feels like a ball of twine that's got tangled... make that a tangled ball of twine in fog... I can't seem to think clearly AT all... Some persistent state of confusion... Maybe it's still the Paxil withdrawal acting up... I hate this state. So damn... confused, and foggy and completely unclear on ANYTHING, don't know what to do, think, where to head... I suppose no use fighting it and just have to wait it out... It's useless to try to fight this. I LITERALLY can't think!
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Current Mood:
confused confused
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As anyone who has been dating in this world, I have met my share my complete bastards, I have been treated badly, comes with the territory... But I have truly witnessed a new low. I cannot begin to comprehend this mindfucking. This kind of lack of empathy and consistent wearing of a mask to make people believe you are someone who, ironically I GOT TO KNOW BETTER THAN MOST is fucking Dexter territory! This is Sociopathic!
The incredible IRONY of ME getting to know the REAL you, as you have shown yourself ( I'm sure your denial is intense, no doubt, but your ACTIONS show who you REALLY are), better than other people... Oh wow, the IRONY!

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Current Mood:
weird weird
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Woke up from nightmares, completely freaking out over upcoming birthday! I mean full on paranoia, irrational thoughts, panic! I dug out jeans I bought when I was 20 years old to see how they fit ( Perfectly, a lot of consolation in that, to be honest!)
I am not even sure whether it's actually the birthday or another wonderful side effect of the insane withdrawal that seems endless at this point.
Probably a mix of both... I have some crazy flashbacks, some serious paranoia, God WTF is going on with me??? Maybe these are the last horrific effects of Paroxetine?
Current Mood:
anxious anxious
Current Music:
Aerosmith - What it Takes
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My hellish withdrawal from Satan's Candy aka Paxil/Seroxat/Paroxetine continues...
Towards the nighttime ( when I would usually take it) it gets worse. I am ALWAYS nauseous, I can't eat almost at all. I manage to pick at something small, fat/dairy/sugar free and preferably frozen about twice a day on a good day, usually once a day. I have intense bouts of paranoia, the "Head Zaps" so unique to this "wonderful" medication are in full force. I have never had such insane headaches. I sabotage relashionships with people, because I give into either paranoia, or fear, or distrust, or whatever the HELL my brain comes up with. I know it's the neurons misfiring and my brain is getting back to it's natural balance, but my God, to LIVE through this hell is something else! I have these INSANE bouts of crying. They have nothing to do with my feelings or mood... It feels like someone just turned on a faucet behind my eyes and I cry for hours. No reason, just crying.
Sometimes there's this feeling... like your soul cannot be contained inside your body... I can HONESTLY say, you don't have to wait till you die to experience TRUE HELL!!
Current Mood:
Ok
Current Music:
Depeche Mode - Love Thieves
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WHAT IS GOING ON WITH MY LIFE???? I'm scared...
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Current Mood:
scared scared
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Was talking to a friend today... and somehow we started talking about issues of the heart and I just had this stream of conciseness about it... basically I said.. the SECOND you develop real emotion towards someone... that person becomes your very own deadly weapon... at that point you no longer have control of your heart and that is SO dangerous... Because it's SO rare for people to value another person's heart and treat it with care... So the second you develop a feeling... that's what makes this person a weapon. YOUR very own, lethal weapon, designed just for you... your destruction... We all hope for the best, but let face it... We aren't bright eyed teens anymore... so we know to expect the worst too... It's exhausting... yet I don't think we would give it up even if we had the choice... How ever dangerous it may be... however much pain it could bring... I would not choose to remove that emotion from me...

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Current Mood:
blah blah
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I'm NOT going down on my knees begging you to adore me...!
Tried as hard as I could to make you see...
Here is a plea from my heart to you...
UNDERSTAND ME!!!

now I've got things to do...
and I said before that I know you have to...
when I'm not there, in spirit I'll be there...
Current Mood:
weird weird
Current Music:
Depeche Mode - Shake the DIsease
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