World · In · My · Eyes

So I can't go and see Depeche Mode and Pet Shop Boys due to my crippling back issues... I don't wanna be at a bloody rock concert popping Opiates and being in pain and worrying about someone who might move wrong and have me yelping in pain. This has knocked me BAD. I feel like I have managed to hold on to some sort of "normalcy" but no... I haven't worked out in three weeks, the pain got worse and this... I am REALLY low right now... I can't believe such shit happened to me... I have always had a touch of hyphochondria, but I have never suspected I will be struck with some weird back issue and chronic, severe pain....

I was watching "True Love", the British mini series and the first episode was so powerful... It made me think how there's always that one person that if they appear, you will throw away everything for... This power this person has over you, it's so extreme. You would sacrifice everything, everything you have worked for and just follow them to the end of the world. And time doesn't matter when it's love that is so strong...
Maybe I am among the lucky ones to have experienced such love at all...

For about a week and a half every single night I have dreams about an ex BF... Usually it's my mythological ex GF that haunts my dreams and I have no idea where this comes from... After all these dreams I can't stop thinking about him. I don't know how to shake it off. It has been YEARS and year and years and now I just can't stop thinking about him or dreaming about him. I am not gonna Facebook him, I just wish I knew where the hell the constant dreaming is coming from... I haven't thought about him for years and now I can't go to sleep without thinking about him. I don't know... what do I do to get rid of his ghost?

I am struggling again with February 14th. Not because it's Valentine's Day, but because it's the day I have first met my first love... face to face... I cry on and off these days. It's crazy, so many years have passed but still... I cry... I still feel like I would drop everything to be with her. She has stolen my heart and I don't think I will ever get that piece back... I will love her till the day I die I suppose... So many years and it still hurts... all that could have been...

The Lost Angel who saved my life...

Skype


I have gotten into video chatting to people I have known for ages online. It's such a delight to see them face to face. So far it was so wonderful and exciting and lovely :)
(my skype is nicobabyblue1 )

Going Veggie ( again)

At the end of the day even while I avoided red meat I still find eating poultry at odds with my values and I have absolutly no joy from the food. I have found some good alternatives for the nutrients I need and I feel much better mentally

DEPECHE MODE ( what else is new? )

I am reading "Stripped:The Story of Depeche Mode) and it's fascinating. Such a brilliant read.
I have read a book about their music process before but this is the one I was looking for. The whole story, the bits of interviews, etc. For someone who is as obsessed as I am it's THE BOOK

Don't Trust the B.... in Apt 23


I loved this show! It was one of the funniest things I have seen recently Sitcomwise. Bastards went and cancelled it... yet Two and a Half men crap is still on TV!

I am currently reading an absolutly amazing book called Pornland by Gail Dines and it's very eye opening. It highlights the various issues pornography seems to reinforce. The abuse of women, the racism and stereotypes of Asian women, Black men and women and the effect it has on a youth growing up in a society where porn is so accessible it has become a misleading blueprint for how sex is supposed to be in their minds. And the idea that a woman will never say no, as there is no objection to any sort of act in porn from women, however degrading or painful it may be.
The pop culture is saturated in porn. The celebrity sex tapes, the MTV videos, the underage teens who dress up like strippers...
I find myself contemplating how even while knowing better I am also susceptible to the images and signals I recieve from our overly pornified pop culture... I may not have gone and had breast implants or dress in a way that shows more than it covers, but I am admittedly concerned with my appearance. I am concerned with making my body look as good as it can, though exercise and a rigid eating regime, I try to stay unaffected but I find some thing do resonate with me... some things that have become so completely regular now and I find myself in that trap of trying to fit into the beauty stereotype... Which has been transfered from pornography to fashion and beauty magazines and the media. It's a tricky road to navigate. I like to think I ultimately stay true to myself and do and try to look how I like and feel best for myself but I wonder how deeply rooted these images are in my brain and how they may influence me without me even knowing they do...
I was worried for my younger brother growing up and having all this access to the internet that he will have a completely warped idea of what sex is... A lot of "food for thought" ...

I fell asleep thinking about my past mistakes... always a bad idea.
I had a dream I was in a wedding dress near the Eiffel Tower... then going somehow backwards in time... on a plane, again in a wedding dress... It was all very disturbing and I woke up crying. I want to bury my mistakes and my past. I hope this was my final goodbye to it... I cannot relive it all. Not even in dreams.

Grandpa's death... I miss you. Always. I think about you. Always. I am so proud to be your granddaughter. You were trully an amazing man in every sense of the word...